Well, here it is; The topic du jour. The topic I get emailed about constantly from not only INTJ women, but also from their partners, who are trying desperately to understand the sexual nature of the INTJ female. I would have written about 50 posts on this subject alone already, if it wasn’t for the fact that I have my personal and professional life meshed in this one website. Fuck it. I’ve already opened up too much, so why not go all the way? I am human, this is part of the deal, I have been asked the questions and I now feel compelled to answer them.
Now mind you, what I write here is based on my experiences, and what I have received in stories from others like myself. It is certainly not all-encompassing, as I have read of INTJ females who are more open sexually. However from the stories I have received, this type of openness is an exception among us, and I must admit, something I have been envious of at times.
All I know is that since the dawn of forever, I have thought something was wrong with me. If you have read any more of this blog, I am sure you have made note that this is a recurring theme, however on the subject of sexuality, this is where it sits the strongest. I often wondered why others could just have sex with whoever, whenever and I could never bring myself to do it, despite my best efforts. Like most things, I had to have a damn good reason to do it, and “for the fun of it” was never a good enough reason for me. It still isn’t.
I have never liked drawing sexual attention to myself, which explains my inherently modest way of dress. I don’t like being looked at in that way and I have never believed in personal promiscuity. I am not a religious person, so it has nothing to do with that; it is just my nature. I also have zero issues with those who thrive on sexual attention or maintain a more promiscuous lifestyle, nor have I ever cared about or judged others for their parts and preferences. A paradox of sorts. It is a common assumption that someone who is more modest sexually would judge those who are not. This could not be more false. It took half a lifetime, but I learned that promiscuity and desire can develop, with the right person and like many INTJs, I identify as a demisexual, which some describe as sapiosexual, which is a word I don’t use because in my opinion, those 2 are one in the same.
For women in particular, it is assumed that we should act a certain way and that our behaviors should be like most other women. This is true across the board, and sexuality is no exception. Sex is not a tool for me, and never has been. We don’t play games, therefore we don’t use sex to “secure a man” or make a man “like us more”. This is pointless, as it never appears to end well. From my observations, when women do this, it only sets an unrealistic expectation of what the relationship will be like in the long term, and once the relationship is secured, the partner spends a life in a disappointing sexless existence.
Despite my nature, this is never what I wanted, and I was patient enough to wait for that one person that would pull the other side of my nature out of me. This was the right course, because when I found the right person, nothing has changed between us sexually, even after marriage and a couple of years. This is the way it should be, and if I found myself in a relationship that was sexually dead, that was my queue to end it.
That aside, I still view sex as a logistical pain in the ass. This doesn’t mean I desire my husband any less, it is just the entire thing in general. He has struggled with this at times, but he is now familiar with my nature and understands that it has nothing to do with him. Like all things in love and relationships with an INTJ, the partner must be educated to this fact, and that takes time. I have never been spontaneous in this area, as I like to be prepared, and lack of preparation makes the entire thing uncomfortable for me, as I spend the entire time thinking about the things I did not prepare and how it affects anything.
A weakness; as the partner rarely cares and the only thing my lack of preparation affects is my own mental presence. I blame the J. Of course following the preparation, is the after, but I am sure I don’t need to write out the details. You already know. Let’s just say I prefer to feel clean and dry at all times, and leave it at that.
My ‘Virgin Queen’ Phase
Before I met my husband, way back in my younger days I learned really quickly that you get bullied if you do, and equally bullied if you don’t. This is something I explained thoroughly to my daughter. I had no real desire to have sex in high school, but I always blamed the house of babies (aka “birth control”. I am the oldest of 5) I grew up with. I had boyfriends, but I always made them wait. What a bitch right? Well, if I made the wrong one wait, I was suddenly a known slut. If I hadn’t made him wait, I would also have been a known slut. This is a battle that cannot be won, so I favored the side of caution and self-respect.
The last thing I wanted was a freaking baby, so I just didn’t want to. I was a ‘virgin queen’ in high school, and beyond that, I had to be in a relationship and/or emotionally connected with someone to entertain even the idea of going there. It was never a priority for me, and although I grew up Catholic, religion was never the reason I avoided it. One thing I do know, is that I was a running “bet” back in those days among the “jocks”. Nobody won, and I am proud of that one. “She’s All That” was something that I lived, yet came out unscathed.
The ‘Disinterest’ Assumption
My favorite. I don’t know about other INTJ women, but with me, my interest has always been known; Am I doing it at all? Yes? Then I am interested. Am I asking you to wait? Yes? Then I am not interested at the moment. Am I saying no? Yes? Then I am not interested. I swear to all that everyone believes in that INTJ women are by far, the easiest women to understand. It is everyone else’s past experience and gross assumptions that overcomplicate it all.
One thing many partners worry about is our desire for others. This is rare, if at all existent. Personally, when I am with someone, I am with someone. I don’t even entertain thought about someone else, and that is not forced. The fierce loyalty that comes from an INTJ partner propagates across all things, including sex.
If you are an INTJ female, here is a pro tip: The disbelief that there is a female who does not play any mind games at all is a permanent condition; It will never go away, and yes…you will have to prove that this is the case time and time again until your life has ended. I recommend getting used to it.
So here are the takeaway lessons from my vast and complicated sexual life:
- If there is no sex. End it
- If sex feels like a chore. End it
- If you don’t want to have sex. Don’t
- If you are not mentally and physically attracted to your partner. End it
- If you find the above, treasure it
- If you don’t think you are interested in sex, find the person that makes you interested. They exist
- The logistics of having sex sucks, and that is ok. Seriously. The logistics of having a baby is the worst, but it is still desired by many. It has nothing to do with desire.
- Communicate everything to your partner. I mean everything. If you can’t. End it
- It’s ok to be modest, and it is equally ok to be promiscuous.
The biggest lesson, especially for partners of INTJ females; What you see is what you get. What you are getting now is what you will always have. We don’t put on a show to get the ring or to secure loyalty. If we are sexual with you now, we will be sexual with you 10 years from now (medical conditions aside).
Also published on Medium.